In a surprisingly inhuman turn of events today, Steve Zaragoza has stepped forward to reveal that he is in fact, seven squirrels masquerading in an advanced human suit.
Zaragoza approached NMR with the exclusive, then upon revealing his identity, opened up his chest to release the seven creatures who had been guiding the creator’s body through the space. Utilizing Zaragoza-bot’s voice modulator, we were able ask each one a question regarding this bizarre turn of events.
So, Steve, I mean, actually would you mind introducing yourselves, and describing each of your functions inside the suit?
Frank: I’m Frank, my function is to act as Steve’s brain. I’m the one who regulates all of his bodily functions such as peeing, pooping, farting, and burping.
Are you the one who comes up with his material?
Frank: Oh no, no, just the bodily functions.
John: I’m John, I make the jokes.
Frank: He sure does, but sometimes I slip a fart joke or two in there.
John: (while facepalming) Yes. Yes you do Frank.
Mark: I’m Mark! I run Steve’s right hand!
David: I’m David! I run the less favorable but equally important left hand!
Alvin: I’m Alvin. They named me that because they thought it was funny. Not all small woodland creatures are the same you cretins!
….And what do you do Alvin?
Alvin: I’m the singer.
Of course you are. And you two are?
Anna: Anna and Lana! We’re the legs!
So, together you guys make for some sort of QWOP situation?
Lana: Yeah! I think we’re easier than that game though.
So, why did you decide to come out with the truth now?
John: Some of us would like solo careers.
Frank: And some of us would like to just fart all the time. Why can’t we all just poop in peace?
That’s it? Creative conflict?
John: Some of us would like to make an attempt at high brow humor without stooping to the lowest common denominator.
Frank: But everyone LOVES Benjamin Franklin.
John: *sigh* Do you see what I’m working with here?
What about the rest of you?
Mark: Ah we’re just the limbs, we go where the brain tells us to!
David: Except Alvin. He’s just mad because of his name
Alvin: I’M NOT EVEN A CHIPMUNK
At this point during the interview, all seven squirrels scattered, leaving a Steve-bots open husk behind. Inside an intricate series of wheels and levers control even the slightest of movement. Upon testing one of the levers, the bot emitted a highly corrosive fart, that melted the paint from the wall behind it.
So there you have it folks, seven incredibly talented squirrels in a human suit.
Not enough for you? Check out the exclusive we got with Zombiegoboom and their controversial kids machete!