Zombie Go Boom Machete Toy Found Not Safe for Kids

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You know why the zombies are going to win? Because we’ve become soft. The “Fat Cats” in “Washington” just ruled that Zombie Go Boom’s newest marketing innovation, a kid-sized machete, isn’t actually safe for kids.

Joining the Zombie Go Boom-zuka and the Zombie Assault Drone on the Ban List of Zombie Go Boom kid’s toys, government officials claim the 1095 high-carbon-steel blade, Mako-teeth spiked handle and “razor-wire bolo lasso that explodes from the hilt” all contributed to their decision not to allow the product in stores. Of course, someone should tell Washington that if we don’t educate our kids on how to defend themselves against possible zombie outbreaks, pretty soon there aren’t going to be any more stores… or any more Washingtons.

Chuck Mere, channel runner for Zombie Go Boom and creator of the Cut N’ Gut: Kid’s Machete is at a loss regarding the decision: “I don’t understand why everyone is so upset. I just wanted to make a toy that could actually save these kids during the zombie apocalypse and if it’s judged by that alone, it’s most definitely safe. Or at the very least, it keeps you safe. Not to mention, the box clearly says that it’s for children 8 years or older, so if parents are having problems with this product, it’s probably because their kids are simply not old enough to use it properly, though my 9 month old daughter can actually handle it perfectly fine, so the blame should really be placed with the parents, and not me nor Zombie Go Boom.”

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Fortunately for our nation’s youth, they can still find the practical toys being sold via Russian black market websites on the Dark Web. While it might be ethically questionable to buy a machete with a “central groove for an optional chainsaw blade attachment” off an online Russian bazaar, we’re talking about the safety of you and your kids. You almost can’t afford to not score at least two of these weapons for every room in your house.

Share this article because the machete will be available online starting today, April 1.