The reality for me is I am not going to survive a zombie attack. I’m not mentally, emotionally or physically qualified — hell, I wouldn’t even make a good zombie. But I’m not alone in this, a lot of you suck just as much as me. We’re that subset of internet losers who aren’t trained in combat or survival skills, we don’t watch Bear Grylls, but we ALSO don’t have a bunch of samurai swords lying around like our fellow internet losers.
In short, we have no weapons we could grab in an instant. I look to my left and all I see is a straw dispenser I stole from a Costco in college one time. Why that’s right next to me? I don’t know.
This video, which is a takeoff on the events of Fear the Walking Dead, is incredibly useful in showing me just how screwed I would be though — I would lose my internet pretty quickly, call the police and then a zombie cop would show up and eat the worst parts of me. Drew Coolidge, who hosts the video, he looks like a survivor. Yeah, he’d definitely blast my zombie head clean off if things went down.
Yeah, the only way I’m surviving anything is if things remain status quo — no zombies, no aliens, no natural disasters, no shortage of Pepsi at my local grocery store.
Hmm, maybe we should just take the preemptive strike of beheading all our dead from now on. And to stop our living society members from becoming zombies, well, (picks up straw dispenser) “Let’s get this party started.”