It’ll Be a Snow Day in Hell Before They Take Our Jon Away

jon snow

We Game of Thrones fans are used to losing people on the show. It’s like the Final Destination series where no one is safe from death, especially if said death is particularly gory and sudden. However, season five rocked fans — well, TV fans. Book fans just looked on with smug superiority, and were all, “I told you so.” – with the death of Jon Snow, who went out old, old school, like Julius Caesar, getting stabbed by his bros in the Night’s Watch.

The season finale was already action packed, but Jon Snow is the Westerosi equivalent of all the guys from One Direction, so his loss hit people where it really matters: in their pants. Not all fans want to run their hand through Jon Snow’s curly locks though, because let’s be real: there is more story to tell. So, no way Jon Snow is dead, as has been the battle cry since the season finale aired.

Well, the Internet was ON IT and spent its summer vacation following Kit Harington around like that stalker Felicity did to Ben. There’s been some pretty compelling evidence that Kit Harington will be back in all his emo glory on GoT in season six (like this, this, and this). Sure, Kit played it coy all summer; maybe he enjoys grabbing tapas in Spain, or a pint in Belfast with the cast?

I don’t care how much you like your co-workers, no one spends that much time flying around Europe to hang with work friends.

Nice try Game of Thrones, we are onto you. Oh, and Kit Harington pretty much confirmed that he’s going to be back, so #notshocked. We’ll see how the show addresses Jon’s miraculous recovery, but for now we have some ideas of our own.

Top 8 Ways Jon Snow Survived

(or is coming back after)

After His Shanking

 

  1. Resurrection is a thing, and you can’t spell Jon (or Jesus) without a J:

melisandre

Ok, we’ll start with the obvious one, and what’s still the most likely mechanism for his actual revival. Why make a big such a big deal out of the followers of the Lord of Light having the ability to resurrect people through the last couple seasons if you aren’t going to use that power? R’hllor, or shut up! Melisandre is back at the Wall, so earn your keep, Red Lady. The showrunners have been adamant that they weren’t going to bring Catelyn Stark back to play undead corpse Lady Stoneheart, but they didn’t say that someone else couldn’t take on that role…someone named Jon, perhaps?

  1. It’s the trees!

TreeFace

One of the most prevalent elements of fan theories for where the story will go from here involves Jon leaving the wall, which he’ll be able to do because his oath as a Night’s Watchman was fulfilled with his death. Die as Jon Snow, rise as Jon Stark, that sort of thing.

But don’t forget, Jon swore his oath on the Old Gods – the weird trees with faces on them. And although it’s not been made entirely clear what powers the Old Gods wield, they’re real enough. Jon’s oath before the Old Gods fulfilled, maybe they decide to raise up a favorite son…to retake Winterfell for his family…or whatever…

  1. It’s Hardhome Out There For a Pimp

white walker

As we’ve seen, the dead come back to life all the time in the icy tundra that is the North, and leader of the White Walkers, the Night King — who strolled onto the scene like a mute BOSS in the episode “Oathkeeper” — raised the stakes, and the dead pretty high for the show. Jon killed one of the Night King’s main guys at the battle of Hardhome, and it looks like our icy leader wants to take this fight to the ice flow and avenge his blue-eyed walker-in-arms. Jon isn’t done with this fight, and maybe, he’s going to come back as a self-loathing White Walker? Oh, the undead moping!

  1. Gonna Go Back in Time!

tower of joy

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss have been notoriously anti-flashback with regards to the show, but they may make the exception for Kit Harington. Meanwhile, Richard Madden is angrily calling his agent wanting to know why Robb, the OG Stark spawn, didn’t rate a callback. We know Bran is coming back for season six, so what if through his visions he is able to see the past, and maybe finally solve the riddle that is Jon Snow’s parentage? R + L = J will finally be put to rest. The Tower of Joy will get its day in the credits, and we’ll finally find out once and for all if Jon Snow is a Targaryen (not to mention a fully noble-born guy). Maybe, Jon will be the Obi-Wan to Bran’s Luke? The possibilities are endless…or this speculation is as off-base as Littlefinger’s accent. 

  1. Bruce Willis called…

i see dead people

In a surprise twist, we learn that Jon Snow has been dead all along, which makes stupid Olly the Haley Joel Osment of the show. There’s magic and dragons and zombies (oh my!). The evidence is right in front of you!

  1. I Got Your Mad Scientist Right Here

qyburn mountain

King’s Landing’s answer to Dr. Frankenstein, Qyburn just successfully resurrected The Mountain, so why not send his own personal Igor, Maester Pycelle (who is SOO pissed about this further demotion) up to the Wall for some fresh Jon Snow meat to experiment on? We all know how well things went for Doc F. with his creation, and reanimated Jon Snow could f**k some serious Lannister s**t up down in the capitol.

  1. Brother Can You Spare a Face?

arya hall of faces

One of the most heartwarming relationships established in the first season was the bond between Jon Snow and Arya Stark. Jon played the cool bastard brother, and gave lil’ sis her sword Needle. Now that Arya is training with the Faceless Men in Braavos she might find her brother Jon’s face on the Mombi wall of dead face masks (of course, she’d have to get her sight back first). Arya’s ballsy, no doubt, but wearing your brother’s face might bring up some creepy family issues. Too bad there are no “ye olde” therapists to sort these issues out.

  1. Sleepless in Meereen

Daenerys-Targaryen-2

Another very important reason that Jon Snow can’t be dead…he hasn’t met his maybe cousin, Daenarys yet. The book series is called A Song of Fire and Ice, and no two characters represent those elements more than Dany and Jon Snow. If Dany is the Mother of Dragons, then what if Jon Snow’s body did die, but his spirit wargs into one of her dragons? Winter might want to hold off, because the Dany and Jon are coming, bitch.

Have your own theories? Share this and tell us!

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