Thinking it would be a simple, maybe even a fun challenge to avoid Star Wars spoilers, he had no idea just how hard the Disney marketing machine was working against him.
Star Wars spoilers are everywhere, yet somehow he’s avoided almost every detail about Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It’s only cost him everything.
Johnny O’Mara is a very proud Star Wars nerd. He’s even got the battle scars to prove it – a pair of Star Wars tattoos.
He’s also got a tattoo quoting the beginning of the Code of the Sith:
It means “Peace is a lie, there is only passion.” It’s in the Star Wars language of Aurebesh, because of course.
And yet, here are some things the passionate, die-hard, Star Wars super-fan has never seen:
Never seen this.
Never seen this person.
Doesn’t know they’re home.
Poor bastard’s never seen a droid roll.
He’s never seen this, or had an argument about whether you’d cut off your own hands with it.
Of course, not seeing any of these things only happens when you’re intentionally trying not to see them. Which is exactly what Johnny’s done.
“The trailer for Episode I shows Darth Maul’s crazy lightsaber, which was probably the biggest, coolest reveal in that movie,” Johnny said. “And it’s in the trailer! It’s the one redeeming quality of that movie, and it was ruined in the trailer.” Okay, so no The Force Awakens trailers. And Johnny won’t read anything about the movie either.
In an attempt to go into The Force Awakens as pure as possible, a year ago Johnny decided he was going to avoid all possible spoilers for what might happen in the brand-new Star Wars movie. To date, nearly all Johnny knows about the movie is 1) the title, 2) the director, and 3) some of the actors. No character, no plot, and definitely no trailers.
But it goes beyond that. This is a zero-spoilers mission. Even when Johnny goes outside he has to avert his eyes, staring straight down, lest he be spoiled by some stray piece of marketing. He has to run away from even the most casual of conversations, because even our nation’s grocery baggers and grandmothers might spill something Johnny doesn’t yet know. He is never safe.
But is this actually hard to do?
Surely, it’s not much more work than just paying attention to what’s around you and using Google Chrome’s Star Wars-spoiler-blocker extension – which Johnny definitely has installed. Actually, it’s much more complicated than that.