This Star Wars Fan Has Totally Changed His Life to Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens


He Can’t Watch Any Television

Now, this might seem a little straightforward. TV exists mostly for commercials and as of the posting of this article, there are literally SIXTEEN separate TV spots for The Force Awakens.

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens tvcommercials

This doesn’t include the main trailers, the international trailers, the behind the scenes clips, or any of the featurettes.

However, it’s not just the Star Wars commercials. Johnny had to change his entire morning ritual, ever since his favorite morning wake-up program, the Today Show, tried to report on LEAKED plot details about the upcoming movie. The freaking Today Show.

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens today show

Ruining movies before you’ve even had your morning coffee.

The Today Show has since discussed why Luke has been absent from the marketing, and who Kylo Ren might really be. But Johnny still doesn’t know Luke’s missing or much of anything about who this Kylo Ren character is

So with his morning TV off limits, and after nearly being spoiled by that Star Wars Duracell ad, Johnny has quit TV altogether. “It’s too unpredictable.”

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens duracell

This is an ad for batteries.

He Can’t Use the Internet

Despite that Chrome spoiler blocker, Johnny has had to completely change how he uses computers, constantly tip-toeing through the minefield of spoilers (aka the internet).

Someone told Johnny about the recent Reddit post that claimed Jar Jar Binks could be a Sith lord and the true villain of the Star Wars prequels, but when he was warned that the post contained references to the Force Awakens, Johnny enlisted his friend, Carmine, to redact the piece. That’s right, he’s got an internet bodyguard named Carmine who censors the internet for him.

Here’s a section of the Jar Jar theory, redacted.

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens redacted

Somehow blacking out half the text makes this theory seem even MORE real.

Filtering the internet through Carmine might take extra work, but it gives Johnny access to articles that help him pass the days without fearing he’ll somehow encounter new Star Wars information by accident. The alternative is a dangerous line. Like a guacamole-lover who’s allergic to onions, he must continue to feed his Star Wars obsession without chomping down on a stinky spoiler.

Here’s a listicle from Grantland (RIP) ranking the 11 best Star Wars jackets, before and after being “redacted for sensitive eyes.”

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens grantland final

Maybe he should just use the Chinese internet.

Obviously YouTube is off-limits, because the front page and nearly every video watch page is covered with spoiler-filled thumbnails for all kinds of Star Wars videos. YouTube likes featuring videos that have high watch times and view counts, and few things can compare with the 157 million views the three official trailers have amassed, or the various 20 minutes videos DISSECTING every single frame of those trailers. (Here’s ours). Of course, not one of those views or watch time minutes belongs to Johnny.

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens youtube_screenshot

Count the spoilers!

Facebook is also very dangerous for Johnny. Scrolling down his profile page, the vast majority of content shared on his page is Star Wars related, including just a straight up interview with Carrie Fisher talking about her role in The Force Awakens. Who shared this?! Are they trying to ruin his life?!

No, actually. “A lot of people have been super kind to me,” he says. “Surprisingly, I haven’t had anyone intentionally try to ruin it. Maybe after this article runs strangers will act maliciously. We’ll see.” Ha, do you worst, trolls! Or actually, maybe just respect what he’s trying to do here and leave him be? Thanks a ton.

For Johnny’s privacy, I won’t post his Facebook profile here, but here’s a picture of his Facebook cover photo:

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens facebook

Too bad it’s impossible to translate. These kooky Star Wars languages, amirite?

SIDE NOTE: Speaking of websites he won’t visit, Johnny was even paranoid that this article was “some crazy ploy to spoil everything for [him]” and to be safe, he won’t even read THIS interview until after Dec. 18. That means I can misquote him as much as I want!

Johnny then added, “Oh, Greedo definitely shot first,” unzipping his hoodie to reveal a “Live Long and Prosper” t-shirt. “And this movie better have CGI Ewoks in it, or else what’s the point?” “Now let’s wrap this up, I’ve gotta be somewhere in less than 12 parsecs. You know, that measure OF TIME?!” – [Editor’s Note: Quick, Carmine, redact this!]

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