This Star Wars Fan Has Totally Changed His Life to Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens

Okay, so boo-hoo, the millennial can’t access his screens (though, honestly, that does sound terrible). What else has he had to change?

He Can’t Go Grocery Shopping

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens water

Purified a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…so watch out for leached petrochemicals.

Or at least, not alone. Johnny has had to stand at the end of an aisle because his girlfriend spotted a can of soup with Daisy Ridley’s face on it. She couldn’t shout, “Hey, don’t look over here!” because that’s kind of like saying, “Hey, don’t think about elephants!” It’s impossible not to think about elephants because they’re majestic and hilarious… and it’s impossible to look away from a can of soup after you have been made aware of its existence.

Pretty much everything in the grocery store is a spoiler risk. Now that Disney owns the Star Wars franchise, the marketing reach is more pervasive than ever. Disney CEO Bob Iger may have questioned why the studio would need to do anything more than release a poster with the premiere date, but the promotional campaign is in full force nonetheless, with seven brand partners who’ve agreed to Star Wars-ify their products, including Verizon, General Mills, and Procter & Gamble. Essentially, no shelf space or display case can go unspoiled.


Here are a few more foods Johnny is officially dieting from:

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens honey_nut_cheerios

I guess he’ll have to stick to generic cereal brands. Sweet O’s? What the hell are these?

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens coffee mate

No Today Show, no cereal, no coffee creamer. Mornings must suck.

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens gogurt

Aw, he can’t even squeeze lukewarm goo out of a tube? I thought this was America!

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens ice cream

Apparently, the Force’s reach extends to Brooklyn’s artisanal creameries.

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens oranges

Orange…round…I see what you did there.

Disney’s marketing campaign has basically told Johnny: you can have Star Wars somewhere in your field of vision between every blink, or you can starve. Johnny can make that sacrifice. But can he starve himself from his friends?

He Can’t Have a Social Life

The president can’t eat at a restaurant before his Secret Service agents scope the place out. Johnny has the same problem… at Hot Topic. During a recent mall trip – yes, 27-year-olds still sometimes go to the mall for an afternoon of fun and a slice of Sbarro – his friends told him to wait outside while they swept the store for BB-8 stud earrings and moody Kylo Ren bracelets. All clear.

Avoid Star Wars Spoilers Before The Force Awakens bb8 earrings

“It was nice that they did that, but I don’t want to be a burden.” Johnny said. “I’d rather just remove myself.”

He did, minutes later, as he sat outside GameStop. Through a storefront window, Johnny watched his friends experience the thrill of looking at shelves covered with Star Wars Battlefront without him. If this reminds you of that scene in Home Alone when Kevin sadly peeks in on the happy family having their Christmas dinner, it should. It’s very sad.

He can’t hang out with people. This loneliness doesn’t just happen at the mall – crucial social hotbed it may be. It happens everywhere. Basically, Johnny has to stay out of earshot of any small group of people, else risk being the Debbie Downer who forces everyone to change the subject should Star Wars come up.

“Speaking of Christmas gifts, my sister just bought that new Star Wars droid toy for my nephew. You know the one—“

“Uh, next topic please!”

Even a close friend of Johnny’s who knows he’s avoiding Force Awakens spoilers, still forced him into a tense standoff. “He kept saying, ‘Oh, don’t worry, this isn’t a spoiler.’” But one man’s common knowledge is another’s catastrophic TMI. So Johnny had to awkwardly shut his friend down and insist they change the subject.

“I don’t think he realized how serious I am about this.”

Sure, this may not be burning a bridge. But when every conversation ends with cutting off your friend, plugging your ears, and/or bolting out of the room, it’s hard to be a person people want to go to the mall with.

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